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2/4/11 01:49 am



11/5/10 02:50 am

I texted him tonight just to tell him that I missed him. Told him I was sorry. That homesickness drove me to it. I admitted about two minutes later that I was lying.

I don't miss him because he fucked me like no one else ever has. I don't miss him because he could keep up with my alcoholic tendencies. I don't miss him because he was such an amazing fucking kisser.

I miss him because he didn't treat me like a girl. I am not the type who needs to be coddled. I am not the type who needs to be taken care of. There is a time and place for everything and he respected and understood that. He treated me like an equal.

I see so many of my friends in relationships that consist solely of them playing the typical "girlfriend" role. The being submissive. The shutting their mouths. The nothing but cuddling and giggling and laughing and making googly eyes at their boyfriend.

There is a time and place to be dominated, and that is in the bedroom.

My therapist said she and her feminist friends would be proud.
I don't consider myself a feminist though. I just know what the fuck I do and don't want. I want to be treated like a person. A friend. An equal.

I miss him because he could mention our karass and I got the reference immediately. I miss him because he would sing me Local Natives in bed and tell me I was the only one he could do that with. I miss him because he admitted he would never find anyone like me again.

Alright. Hate life. Need more Xanax. Goodnight.

12/4/09 07:43 pm - 12/03/09

Sometimes it gets to be too much and I am suffocating in my own skin because I haven't writte about anything. Maybe my body knows. Maybe it knows that I'm choking on all these words I'm keeping forced down my throat and it's just trying to tell me to get them out. Maybe that's why I'm so sick. Maybe my body is just trying to help me out. Or maybe I'm just inhaling toxic mold spores and that's what's restricting my breathing.

The doctor said it was costochondritis when I first went in a couple weeks ago. Now I'm thinking it's something else. For the past 24 hours I have been in and out of consciousness in a state of delusion. I can't breathe right, my airways are way too tight and my chest feels like an elephant is standing on it. Then I start to panic and it makes it ten times worse. I don't know if it's stress related. I don't know if it's something in the air. I feel better when I go outside, most of the time, if I can make it outside. Today it was a hassle to even lift my arms. I feel insane. I hate not knowing what's wrong with my body. I am praying it's something simple like asthma and I can just get an inhaler and go on steroids and I'll be fine. My irrational mind is convinced I have some sort of tumor or incurable cancer. I'm barely eating because I can't move and I'm probably going to overdose on ibuprofen. Doesn't help that I have a cold and can't breathe out of my nose either. I just want to go home. Except for the fact that I am having incredible anxiety about that as well.

I am terrified that I will return home and have nowhere to fit in. That everyone will have moved forward without me. 99% of me knows that this will not be the case. That these people back home love me just as much as I love them. That we will fall back into our routines so easily. But I always expect the worst. It kills me to think about the possibilities that will most likely never occur. My negativity will seriously be the death of me.

7/29/09 01:01 am

thinking too much about how we willingly accept misfortune with open arms but the second something good comes our way we are quick to assume we are unworthy.

7/21/09 03:04 am - you be on that conscious tip

its three in the morning. ive had a couple glasses of wine and spent most of the night with a boy that kinda means the world to me. these last couple months have done a number on my head. in the best way possible. ive come to the conclusion, through numerous panic attacks, plenty of stoned nights, and a couple near breakdowns, that either everything is significant and means something or theres nothing to live for. im having a hard time deciding between the two.

this has been the best year of my life. sure, 2005 came real close, but i was on a lot of pills. i was kinda delusional. im trying to learn how not to second guess myself. i figure this is a life long process.

theres still that one issue that no one talk about. and im not even sure if i want to. i am having the best time ever and if anyone brings up the fact that im moving it just bums me out. no ones acknowledging it. its alright.

the only thing i know is that life is real short. i dont write much anymore cause im so busy living and having a wicked great time. even if i went sorta insane a few weeks ago and managed to make plenty of mistakes. its all about learning. its all about the experiences. its all about the stomach aches and the butterflies and the way he bites my lip. my motto as of late has been, "fuck it." you will never be as young and as beautiful as you are in this moment. maybe this is me disconnecting my emotions from my actions. maybe this is me guarding myself. maybe this is me growing up. im pretty sure i will honestly never know. and i am alright with that. for the first time ever.

i spent so many years wishing for the future, being upset that my life wasnt how i wanted it to be, that i missed out on way too much. i still do it, just not as much as i used to. im wicked excited for the now. im wicked excited for life. i am not wicked excited at the prospect of awaking in five hours for a DENTIST APPOINTMENT. :(

i just wanna keep this smile on my face forever. no matter who or what has caused it.

7/12/09 02:36 am - i didnt mean to be so forward, there are some things you should know.

i am afraid to express myself in every single outlet. i hold my breath a lot more lately. i dont know if these two are connected. i would like to think that they are.

i went to bed at 115. i woke up around 230 feeling absolutely used and disgusted. this is how it works. years will pass and you will come back to me and tell me you made a mistake chasing what you thought was an ideal. what you thought would pass for perfection. and i will take every single one of you back. every single time. because thats how i work. yr pedestal may have fallen years ago when yr gaze first faltered but i am so much weaker than i let on.

right now i am trying to quell the urge to throw myself down the closest flight of stairs so that i wont have to show up for work in four hours. wondering how many sedatives i can take and sleep through every alarm. dreaming up excuses to keep me safe. i will always be the girl who jumps a little too far for her own good. gives a little too much. i often wonder what it would be like if people were completely honest with each other. spoke when necessary. didnt hold back. it would probably be just as terrifying as holding my tongue.

i also think its strange how one word can send my stomach plummeting to the ground and make the fetal position the only thing that brings any sort of temporary relief. in that moment, i hated myself. even though it should have been you. it should have always been "you" being held responsible. but there i harbor so much deep seeded self loathing that there is never anyone else at fault but myself. i gave too much of myself to you. i believed in you too much. i played the fool. you could use me to hell and back and id never blame anyone other than me. i will sit here at three in the morning wondering what i did wrong, failing to realize that some people are just never worth the things they put you through. is this because i am always looking for the good in you? is it because im trying to make you my ideal?

when i was a kid, i didnt have a set career in mind when i thought of wanted to be when i grew up. all i knew for sure is that i wanted to know everything. and when i say everything, i mean everything. i was obsessed with random facts as far back as i can remember. i wanted to know the most pointless things. who the first person to eat en entire cantaloupe in one sitting was. the exact time and date of my great great great grandfathers' death. the things that would never matter to anyone but myself. tonight, i read the line 'a part of knowing everything is remembering everything' and in that moment, i wanted to forget it all.

you tell me on a regular basis how amazed you are that i can remember exact details. the pattern of the shirt i wore the day my brother was born. the seating arrangement at thanksgiving six years ago. for a fair portion of my life i was just convinced this was how we all worked. it tends to go that way, i have learned. just when you think you are a part of something, you are left alone. but this is not my point.

i remember how you compared our heights, how even in the dark you could tell you were just barely taller than me and you mumbled, "this could work." as though the last deciding factor for whether or not a relationship will be successful is your comparative heights. this is not my point. i remember how you used every line i wished you would, every line i wanted to hear. and looking back, i ask myself how i knew i wanted to hear those words. because they were the ones i grew up on. because i found most of my hope at two in the morning between the pages of our favourite books. my favourite dreams were the ones you had to search for.

(last night i got a phone call from a past "you," having since moved on to become insignificant enough to be called by his first name. after i described what i had been up to the past couple weeks, i paused and laughed, telling him it sounded like i had just described the plot to a horrible movie. he laughed along with me and agreed, then stopped suddenly and asked me, "isnt that what you always wanted?" i quickly changed the subject, not wanting to explain that nothing will ever be as good as it is behind my teeth. eyes shut and lips tight.)

i dont want to know everything. i am too ashamed of the things i do know and the fact that i am able to retain such information for so long. and when i say "ashamed" its more like "disgusted" knowing that eventually i will be the only one who will still be able to hear yr voice saying those words. and what terrifies me even more is that once im gone, its like we never existed.

this is not my point. the truth is, there isnt one. these are just words that have to be put down in order for me to get to sleep any time soon. these are just stories that i have to tell. if i were anyone else i would have a choice. the only choice ive got right now is a flight of stairs or a lengthy summation of why i want my insides out.

so anytime you want back, the door is obviously open. even if it should be sealed shut. maybe someday i will learn, but i am highly doubting it.

6/13/09 04:04 am

1. it is alright.
2. it is alright.
3. it is alright.
4. it is alright.
5. it is alright.

5/28/09 02:49 am

i have come to the conclusion that during the day, boys dont have feelings. they only say what they really think/feel after dark when most everyone has gone to bed and cannot hear their voices, even if theyre only at a whisper. as if the dark keeps things safe. as if people are more willing to accept their emotions once the sun has set.

they also might say how they rly feel when yr hands are down their pants but im gonna have to test this theory a little more to get a legitimate answer.

5/28/09 01:33 am

i swear the longer i go without writing the crazier i feel. i just need to set aside some sort of time every day. every hour. who the hell knows. i make up lists in my head throughout the day. some are basic to do lists that i memorize front & back, usually in alphabetical order. some are lists of things i need to concentrate on more. some are things i just need to forget. it never turns off, this is just a fact.

1. will someone please explain to me how to understand a boy while hes drunk? like am i supposed to disregard everything he says while intoxicated? weigh everything heavier than what he says sober? call bullshit on everything? i seriously though i had it under control, i mean i went to high school, right? everyone was always drunk. but i guess all of those friendships were so obligatory that we werent really drawn to each other like we are nowadays. like you actually have to want to get to know someone now. i dont know, my head is scattered and i am lacking sleep. i just want to know who im supposed to believe more, you, or you and a couple 40oz.

2. why do i even care? i mean the obvious answer is im way into him. but there is always that doubt that hes not into me. except for the fact that hes told me on numerous occasions. i just hate this fucking waiting. but what the fuck am i waiting for? what is my ultimate goal? i leave in august. and i hate myself for it, even though i know i am getting what i have wanted for five fucking years and its going to be amazing. it just sucks cause i like him so much. and when i was younger all i used to daydream about was someone who could tie me to this city. it just sucks that it had to come at the last minute.

3. i am so not into gray areas right now. i want a yes or a no. an on or an off. an in or an out. i cant handle small talk about shit that doesnt matter when my head is racing non fucking stop about everything were not saying. and yea, you say yr head never turns off either, but i wonder if you rly know what that means, or if its even on this scale. sometimes i like to imagine that yr veins are as electric as mine ans the static never pades from yr head. sometimes i smile thinking ive found someone who gets it so well. then i realize i am delusional and theres no way id ever be so lucky. this is how my head works. i wanna be able to feel like i deserve the good in my life, i really do, but itll take a while for me to come to that point. baby steps.

4. i just wanna know why i work the way i do, really.

5. the world record for longest time standing on one foot is 76 hours and 40 minutes. this is pretty irrelevant to everything ive said, but i was in the shower tonight, balancing on one foot so my tattoo didnt get too wet, and i wondered what the world record for balancing on one foot was. i figured it was probably only like 15 hours, seeing as i couldnt last more than six minutes. but 76 hours? thats kind of unbelievable. those are the kind of things i think about on a daily basis. i just want to know everything. but mostly the things that dont matter.

6. ive been listening to fucking "feeling this" by blink 182 on repeat for a while. i dont know why.

7. i swear in a couple days these stupid weird girly entries will stop. its not where i like my head. i like to be in control. i just need to get the keys back is all.

8. currently i am compiling a list of questions in my head that i will probably never ask, such as:
  • what do you really want?
  • when do you really tell the truth?
  • how safe do you want to play it?
  • where do you want this to go?
  • what do i mean to you?

    that last one scares me the most.

    i shouldnt be thinking about things like this. i should be thinking about how i am about to embark on the most amazing chapter of my life ever. im going to finish watching this show on killer jellyfish and go to bed. i have a bunch of stuff ive been writing the past couple weeks that i never finished and actually serves a purpose, as opposed to ramblings of a girl who is far too into a boy. sometime.
  • 5/15/09 04:39 am - i spent my summers drinking jack & coke on the road.

    so i know i should most likely be asleep, but it wouldnt be a normal night if i were in bed before five and my head wasnt spinning. so. things ive been thinking about for the past couple hours/days:

    1. why didnt i just tell you that i wasnt flawed? would it have made a difference? why couldnt i have just avoided all eye contact and smiled and assured you that we would be fine?
    2. i already know the basic answer to that question but i still dont understand why thats who i am and why i do the things i do. i am not willing to accept "thats just how it goes" anymore.
    3. where do i get a custom made liquor luge for under three hundred dollars in this area? in a week.
    4. i wish there was a show similar to 'how its made' called 'how it works,' focusing on my brain.
    5. why does the idea of running on no sleep for two days then coming back to the city and working a morning shift or two make me really really excited? why do i look forward to things i know will only end in disaster? what is it inside of me that makes me think "hey, that sounds like a bad time, im game"?
    6. i think, in the end, i just want to know WHY. i am into dissection. i am into explanations. i am into logic, despite being the most irrational person ever at times. i like order. i like reason. except, you know, only most of the time.
    7. i have this huge fear that my quasi quest for reason will most likely be my end. i cant really explain it. i probably need to go to bed.
    8. love the love you have.
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