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5/11/09 02:27 am - sinking like stones

i havent done a legitimate freewrite in a long time. so here it goes. cause im too afraid to put it anywhere else and its probably a necessity.

i cant rly concentrate when theres a movie playing in the background. especially when its one of my favourites. and one of hers. apparently. we spent our evening drinking beer and watching stand by me and i was quoting every single line. she claims that thats one of her favourites too but she tended to forget the way things played out and acted surprised when certain things happened. i am learning that i dont have to call everyone on every misstep they make.

now were watching igby goes down. most likely on my top five, as well. she asked me if we could watch it because she hasnt seen it in months. i reminded her that we watched it two nights ago, while she claimed to be trashed after one beer and a shot of sake. maybe i have just learned to hold my liquor much better than she.

that night, we were in the car. we meaning he and i. we meaning she was still in the store buying red bull after we had left with our alcohol. my hands were on the wheel and i joked that maybe we could just leave her and she wouldnt notice. i have yet to decide whether or not i was joking. most likely not. he asked me what i thought about her and i decided not to lay it all out, but to put it in someone elses words. "that penny will lose its shine," i grinned, my fingers tapping against the wheel as we watched her exit the storefront. he laughed at my revelation and agreed with me. "damn right it will," he sighed. i just dont know what to think.

its like. i want so badly to believe that everything hes whispered has been meant for me and me alone. he kissed me as the sun rose, my back pressed against the counter in my kitchen and in the dim light he admitted that he wanted to be the one to save me. he seems to be under the impression that i am flawed and in need of help, but maybe this is just what i have fed him over the years. all of the sudden two hours had passed with his lips pressed to mine, asking me why it felt so right, and i wasnt sure how to answer his question, or if i was even supposed to. i have an irrational fear of looking people in the eyes so i kept mine glued to the glow of the clock above the stove as he kissed down my neck and told me that not only could he save me, but maybe i could finally be the one to save him too. at that moment i finally decided to try and get over my fear and he stepped back. holding my breath, i asked him what was wrong and he jsut said that he felt it. that hed never had someone look at him like that before. i tried not to roll my eyes, i swear, but my stomach might have done a flip or two.

i watch too many movies and i read too many books. if you are to know anything about me, this is it. and i have lived most of my life searching out these moments that are so untouchable and so infinite they seem straight out of a script. its what i live for. i fear that the only reason i am hung up on him is because the things he say sound too well thought out. his movements too planned. he kisses too well and he holds my hand just right and eventually this will all do me in. now im contemplating if he has this down to a science more than i do. if hes the one playing me as opposed to the other way around.

theres a scene in igby goes down where amanda peet tries to beat the shit out of kieran culkin. this girl, sitting next to me, the nineteen year old, she slurs. "she's a crazy bitch." i just turn to her and smile and nod, wondering if she caught the rolling of my eyes. i am done with this. i am done with all of this. i just need to learn when to be able to draw the line. when to be able to say "i dont deserve this." its a sick cycle. getting so down on yrself because you feel like you dont deserve anything, and finally getting something good and thinking that this might be in only to find out that its so much more complicated than it should be. but yr probably the one making it complicated, and you dont deserve anything good in yr life.

now dont get me wrong, i rarely feel this way. the years have passed and i have learned that im not a terrible person but old habits die hard and i will be the first to admit that. i catch myself most of the time and tell myself that i am kind of an idiot, in the nicest way possible, and usually it passes. but then there are times like this when he claims that i shouldnt forget the conversation that we had, that he meant "most" of what he said. that he is still confused but we will work it out. "slowly" was the word that he used that night. before and after admitting how much he liked me and how new it felt and how maybe this was the best idea. i was smart, even in my drunken stupor, and didnt agree at first because i didnt want him to have too much of me. just like he is wary to share certain details of his life with me but i know how to pry them out. how to feign interest. except for the fact that when i say feign now i am totally lying. i am interested, i am. i just hate for him to have that sort of hold on me.

i have been told to just let go, but i dont think anyone realizes how difficult it is to unravel twenty one years of compulsions and tendencies and coping mechanisms. but we will see. i promise i will try.

that really wasnt what i set out to write, i swear. but apparently this is what my head and hands want to think about. im just hoping i can let all of that go or something and focus on something that matters. even if, you know, he should matter.

5/10/09 02:22 am

i made a playlist just with songs that have "save" in the title.

5/7/09 04:15 am - i never asked for ordinary

she is nineteen.

i dont know why i am compelled to state this as the first fact. it seems to make all the difference. i mean, i have best friends younger than her, and usually i would be the first to tell you that age is just a number. but right now, if you were to ask me about her, the first thing that comes to mind is that. she is nineteen.

and sure, i am only twenty one. in my head i am still seventeen, even younger than she is, but i feel like even at seventeen i was able to see straight. the thing is, i know i wasnt. i was upside down for years, delusional and believing that my head was screwed on straight. having seen the darkest things could get, i figured i knew which way was up. im pretty sure i was wrong.

"you know," she tells me between her fourth and fifth tequila shot, her eyes glassy and her words strung together carelessly. we had promised each other just one, to humour ourselves and to cause the boys' persistent nagging to cease. she smiles wide and begins again, having lost her train of thought almost immediately as she began. "you know, we are so much alike!" she gushes, pulling me into a hug and placing a sloppy kiss on my cheek. im nodding now as she pulls apart, trying to keep a straight face. "we are, aren't we?" i ask, and i worry that she can sense my sarcasm. fortunately she has already headed back to the kitchen for another shot and i figure thats probably a good idea, i might need more to handle the night.

this wasnt the first time in the evening she insisted we were alike. the first time was discussing our favourite books and movies. her jaw dropped and her eyes widened when i mentioned the dangerous lives of altar boys. this was before the tequila had been opened but shed downed enough jello shots and high life to jump into my lap and start kissing my neck because we both shared the same affinity for the culkin brothers. i never really thought my love of coming of age movies about young boys would ever really get me any action, but apparently i was mistaken.

the second i met her i hesitated to introduce myself. some people just wear their scars on their sleeves. or maybe i am just getting better at finding myself in other people. three years ago i would have been so quick to build a friendship with her but knowing what i know now, im pretty sure that can only end in complete and total destruction. and its not that shes a bad person. and its not that she even has bad intentions. i just know how it ends. ive already penned that book and shelved it away. yet today, i was tempted to open it up and take a peek at the pages. just a quick refresher course. the thing is, i can never take just a little. its all or nothing. black or white. yes or no. i can never just dip my toes in. im going to get soaking wet.

we sit on the couch shes crashing on, watching another one of our joint favourite movies, and i try to pay attention as she retells stories of her "past" even though every single one took place less than a year ago. i have become so accustomed to feigning excitement and interest in my day to day life it worries me that i may begin to use this skill more often than not. i raise my eyebrows and offer my condolences when she speaks of heartbreak, and i laugh along with her to her stories of attending prom on ecstasy. she is everything i wanted to be and everything i would now kill to never have been.

and of course, as these situations always go, he falls for her. she plays oblivious but her words are sent to bait him so she can keep him on her reel for weeks. skirt around the issues. bat eyelashes and purse lips. just when hes ready to give up shell confess that shes been thinking about him too, but that she needs some time. really, shes just trying to think of how she can keep this game going on for as long as possible. she has already planned her escape.

he asks me how i am so sure of the things that i say. he asks me how i know so much about her and we have just met. although she is quick to open her mouth and spill her secrets to me (today i learned about her mothers depression, yesterday her sexual abuse. every day is a new story or two. and have i said a word about my past? of course not) i didnt have to be told about her early years in small town, usa to know how she ended up the way she did. i have been that girl. the one who wants you to be intrigued but not ask too many questions. the one who will only allow you to admire from a distance but gets frustrated when you either want to come closer or move farther away. the girl who wants to be the only one setting the rules. we are far too similar for our own good and it amuses me that she sees this but finds it "cute". i get the hints she drops but i choose not to pick up on them because her desperation doesnt need to be rewarded, yet who am i to decide that? he can fawn over her all he wants, i just wont glorify her cries for attention with such loving responses. 'been there, done that' is an understatement. i tell him i just pay close attention, that i am good at reading people. while this is not a lie, its not everything. i have never been good at telling the full story. bending the truth is a favourite pastime of mine. i have mentioned this during some of our eight or nine hour conversations but i have also learned that his memory has been shot to hell and back. this fact keeps me safe. things i say today may or may not stand tomorrow. i will never be found out unless i truly want to be.

i dont know where along the line i finally realized it was okay to let go of the wheel, but i am hoping that she finds this point. i asked him if he was attracted to her because she was something new or because he wanted to be the one to save her. (im cursing myself now for giving so much of my knowledge away so fast. this is still me wanting to remain a mystery. i know i should just be able to lay it all out on the table but i am afraid that he will finally realize how much attention i really do pay to him.) he told me he was looking for his own purpose, thinking that maybe it could be her. i am beginning to think i am driving myself deeper into something that i didnt want to be involved with in the first place. cause even though i told him no one can save you but yourself, im preparing my words for when ive got to pick up his pieces. i will never be able to let go of who i was, but i will try my best to stay the hell away from those capable of bringing out the worst in me. this is how we will learn how strong we are.


----

this could be so much longer. i am either afraid of everything i have to say or i really need to go to bed.

5/4/09 01:47 am - you love to live to hate this town

these are the facts.

1. sometimes i plan entire days in my head around a certain soundtrack. it could be one song, it could be a playlist or a whole album, but i do it a lot. i dont know if this makes me weird for doing it or you weird for not.
2. sometimes i relay my past in my head to a certain soundtrack. mostly what i was listening to at the time. sometimes i like to get high just to reminisce. i make playlists for this specifically relating to certain times in my life. the other night i was smiling so big i seriously thought i was going to combust. this is the first time in my life i am able to look back on my past as a whole and be alright with it all. this is progress.
3. its not where you take things from its where you take them to
4. mike and i developed a list of "safe words." these are words used when you want to let someone in but still fear appearing vulnerable. you add them to the beginning or ends of statements so what you say can go either way, really, depending on how others view it. if yr caught, youve always got the option of relying on said safe words. currently on the list: i guess, kinda, maybe, just kidding, and (my all time favourite word because it keeps me safe) sometimes. this being said, i am going to try my best to stay away from these words. i guess im trying to be more honest.
5. i want to know why i/we (and when i say we, i mean he and i) answer everything with a story of our own. will our mouths not close? has no one ever listened?
6. lately, i am unable to listen to whole songs. its not a matter of not being able to focus, its more like there are just so many songs running through my head right now, so many words i wanna hear and things i wanna feel that i cant decide what to go with.
7. currently, my dreams pretty much just involve laying in my backyard and listening to country music. most of the time, said backyard is in nashville or memphis. tall grass and summer sunsets. take me to a river with a rope swing and ill be yrs forever.

4/26/09 01:17 am - i wont quit

from fatherbingo in bipolar_nomeds:

I feel like any pressure will crack me. I don't want to do anything. All I'm getting is love and support, but I feel so unworthy. I feel like I'm simply milking this; I think I want to be hated. After what I did? After how I let the monster out? "Oh, you were just being sick. We'll help you get back in shape." No! Call me on my bullshit! Tell me to suck it up, to get back to work, that I'm a faker and a slacker! Someone tell me that how I acted was wrong! Someone tell me I'm some kind of monster! Someone please validate this hatred I harbor toward myself!

I want to be tortured. I want to be banished. I want something so unquestionably wrong bestowed upon me that I will have no choice but to rise up against or fail. And if I fail, I want to fall so deep that I won't care about getting out, it'll just be all of me. I don't want that reasonable voice anymore. One or the other! The unreasonable one was winning two weeks ago, why did you have to even be there? But you were still there, so I must not have been crazy enough.

This recent manic episode "wasn't me."
But it was.
And I hate myself for it being me.
And I hate that the people that matter are okay with it being me.


its very strange to look back on my former self and still feel it. to still know its there and will most likely never go away. but i am so thankful every single day that i am getting better.

its just--if you know, you know. if you dont, i doubt you ever will.
but im no longer going to believe that im the only one. theres no use in feeling so alone when i know for a fact, now, that im not.

4/24/09 02:14 am - what i ended up writing:

i write monologues in the shower. hold mass for nonexistent audiences in tune with my every word. as the steam rises im practicing how to phrase every syllable correctly so that it hits just how it should. my voice barely above a whisper despite the entire house being asleep. i have always been afraid that my lack of rational thought will be found out. i admit it left and right but how do you justify talking to yourself, naked, at three in the morning. in the shower no less.

and i imagine a packed house and my nervous stare, my voice shaking, something i have never been able to control but he called it "endearing" and "flawed". as if the two go hand in hand. as if we still find ourselves searching for imperfections once we pass the age of 18. looking back i wonder if it was all just a ruse to get me to believe that i could ever be something bigger than i was. whether those words were meant for good or bad. most likely, i am reading too far into the situation. i tend to do this.

and i imagine how i will stray away from alliterating every other line, my tongue and teeth tripping over terms designed to tempt that hiss from between your lips. that raising of the eyebrows. i have come to forgo pretty words and excess verbiage, exchanging them for the only thing i really know. the only thing that has stuck with me over time. the truth. how im not here to spin webs of metaphors and musings. how im not here to cloud your head and leave you hanging. the only thing i know how to do is speak. the only thing ive got are these words and the stories left behind my eyelids when they close.

and i imagine that i will remind myself silently throughout the night that cadence is everything. that while i dig deeper, im going to have to keep my voice from faltering. my eyes from watering. keep that hint of a smile on my face so they know that no matter what, its gonna be alright. so i shed this coat called adolescence, the ensemble always getting in the way of what i really wanted to say. masked my true meaning with witty plays on words. kept you attentive for only a second. just enough to smile and nod along. and now that that skin is gone, i guess i can begin.

i imagine speaking about how ive got my great grandmothers butter knife next to me on the bed. how its been nearly a year and a half since i have come this close. how the last time it was the keys to the house that i grew up in. how everything has to have meaning. and i wonder if i am the only one who thinks this way. who wont take a blade to her skin unless its carved into my past already. who wont hold a flame to any metal that hasnt already made an impression. and i wonder if that knifes just gonna sit there all night, completely ignored. if im going to somehow keep my mind on other things until i fall asleep. i would really like to say that i know the answer but i have always been impulsive and irrational. i have only recently begun to accept this.

and i imagine taking a breath after that, pausing, slowing down my words even more. and i wonder maybe, if i slow them down enough, people will begin to paint pictures in my silence. between each inhale and exhale, cities and trees. our own private refuge that will only exist so long as i keep speaking. no matter how fast or slow. this is me daring you to keep up. hang on. hold tight.

actually i think the steam has just gone to my head and i imagine if these words will sound just the same once i am no longer dehydrated or lacking sleep. if i will still pace each sentence the same or put the same emphasis on the rise and fall of these lines. i imagine the end. me running out of breath and rushing my words, just so i dont feel like im wasting your time. as if my words only mean anything to anyone when its past three in the morning. and by anyone i really just mean myself. cause the only voice i can hear right now is my own. and the only words i can imagine are mine. and i figure this is what it was always supposed to be like.

4/24/09 02:13 am - what i set out to write:

regression.

this isnt really what has been on my mind as of late, just whats made it to the front within the last twenty four hours or so. rather, this isnt what i wanted to write about, but its necessary.

actually. i think maybe all i wanted to say was "regression". i dont know any other way to put it. i am in love with a certain moments in time. i am in love with certain phrases. i find myself in the strangest places. everything i do is for a reason. but thats a lie.

still crazy after all these years.

i am constantly at war with my own self. my head and my heart just move in opposite directions. second guess is my middle name. at least after so many years ive been able to identify what is rational and what isnt. but its gonna take a while for me to do more than just identify. acting rationally has never been something i am very good at.

today was all about insecurities i guess. i was talking to someone who said she knew what it was like to walk into a room and have people immediately hate you before you even speak. in a sense, thats what i was thinking. but not really. there are just days when i feel pretty alone. the little things build up. this happens to everyone. i am no different. i get stuck in this cycle though. feeling horrible, then feeling horrible because im feeling horrible and really i dont have much to feel horrible about. my life isnt shit. i have a good job. i have great friends, so why do i get like this?

cause its who ive always been.
"some things never do change"
and most of the time im alright with being like this. the mood swings and the illogical thoughts and the obsessions&compulsions. the insomnia and the manic depression, its just something that i get used to more and more with every passing day. but then some days it seems so ridiculous. like, why does this happen to me? why am i getting so upset with people who cant understand where im coming from? why does my head work like this? the guilt gets to be so goddamn deafening in my ears. i begin second guessing myself left and right. apologizing for the words that come out of my mouth the second i speak them. at least now i can recognize the signs. i mean, its gotta count for something right?

4/23/09 01:50 am

i was going to write an entry thats been running through my head for a couple days but then i read this and decided not to.

4/19/09 12:02 am - cancel our subscription

i know that i shouldnt be fueling negative thoughts on the eve of something so great, but that tends to be how i work. worst possible scenarios. irrational anger. guilty guilty guilty. so here it is. ive been trying to figure out what sets us apart. why we will never mesh as well as i do with others. why i will never tell you the whole truth. my first thought was that i am only truly close to people with problems. sure, youve got enough of your own but you didnt grow up with them. they didnt shape the person youve become today. yr just now beginning to learn the meaning of pain. distrust. etc. i dont know.

second thought, and it ties in with the first, is that you just didnt grow up the same way we did. you didnt cling to the same words. you didnt play the same records on repeat until every song skipped. you werent closing yr eyes just to feel closer to where you knew you belonged. i just dont know how else to say it. youre just not one of us.

i am drawn to certain people, with certain interests, who think a certain way. for me its easy to tell these people apart from others most of the time. it just so happens that most musicians tend to fall in this category. i dont know. i just find it so much easier to talk to musicians than say customers at my work. even ones in my age range. were not on the same page.

but my best friends? the ones i love to death and would do anything for? we kinda listen to the same music. sorta. we all share similar aspirations. even if our long term goals are different, the way we go about approaching them seems to be pretty much the same. the things we dwell on. the words we love. the songs we sing. really, ive already stated my main point, but i just dont feel alright about any of it. were never going to be on the same page. you are logical. i am the complete opposite. i run away across the country at the drop of a dime for kids that i love. and you may follow in my footsteps, but yr head will never spin, yr heart will never race, and yr feet will never run as fast as mine. i may be at a complete stand still but i am always electric. you havent even sparked yet.

and i just--i dont ever want to be rude. i am really a nice person. i just get irrationally angry sometimes. i have very little patience. but i love with my entire heart. i promise. there is no changing people, no matter how hard you or they might try. there is always room to grow but you have been rooted since day one.

im getting sleepy. im going to try to keep my head up and focus on the fact that the next 24 hours are going to be amazing, i swear.

4/17/09 04:26 pm - one thousand umbrellas open to spoil the view

im seriously seriously trying my best to slow my mind down enough so that i can form a few coherent sentences. its sunny outside so my mind is wandering already and i cant wipe this goddamn smile off of my face. i feel like after eight years, its finally working. something is finally going right. and i am so fucking thankful.

im still very wary to talk about it but its so close that i am going to have to say something son enough. i just want to be sure. nothing steals the magic away from something as much as writing about it does. i cant believe i still remember that you said that. i guess certain things just stick. even after all these years & all these miles & all of this growth. new skin.

my favourite line as of late: "you didnt mature, you got tame, aint the same"

theres something about hip hop that cant be touched by anyone else no matter how hard they try. then theres that something about music that i can never accomplish. how they manage to say everything in under five minutes and be able to touch thousands of hearts and heads and me--i just never learned how to shut my mouth.

note to self:
this coat called adolescence

im still afraid that i wont be able to get it back. but maybe ive just been under the impression that it was lost when really my head was just too clouded with pretty faces, new words, better escape plans. i write for myself. i write to keep my feet where they belong--on the ground. thats where we tend to differ. so so so. i dont know what im saying. i feel so rushed. my shift starts in nine minutes and i just want to take over the world in my remaining time. ive always wanted too much. but who's to say that i cant have it?

ugh. time to go serve food to ungrateful rich assholes and pretend to love every second of it. the longer you pretend the easier it becomes. until yr lies become yr truths and who the hell knows the difference?

some day ill tell you a story.
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