The doctor said it was costochondritis when I first went in a couple weeks ago. Now I'm thinking it's something else. For the past 24 hours I have been in and out of consciousness in a state of delusion. I can't breathe right, my airways are way too tight and my chest feels like an elephant is standing on it. Then I start to panic and it makes it ten times worse. I don't know if it's stress related. I don't know if it's something in the air. I feel better when I go outside, most of the time, if I can make it outside. Today it was a hassle to even lift my arms. I feel insane. I hate not knowing what's wrong with my body. I am praying it's something simple like asthma and I can just get an inhaler and go on steroids and I'll be fine. My irrational mind is convinced I have some sort of tumor or incurable cancer. I'm barely eating because I can't move and I'm probably going to overdose on ibuprofen. Doesn't help that I have a cold and can't breathe out of my nose either. I just want to go home. Except for the fact that I am having incredible anxiety about that as well.
I am terrified that I will return home and have nowhere to fit in. That everyone will have moved forward without me. 99% of me knows that this will not be the case. That these people back home love me just as much as I love them. That we will fall back into our routines so easily. But I always expect the worst. It kills me to think about the possibilities that will most likely never occur. My negativity will seriously be the death of me.