sternbach (sternbach) wrote,

you be on that conscious tip

its three in the morning. ive had a couple glasses of wine and spent most of the night with a boy that kinda means the world to me. these last couple months have done a number on my head. in the best way possible. ive come to the conclusion, through numerous panic attacks, plenty of stoned nights, and a couple near breakdowns, that either everything is significant and means something or theres nothing to live for. im having a hard time deciding between the two.

this has been the best year of my life. sure, 2005 came real close, but i was on a lot of pills. i was kinda delusional. im trying to learn how not to second guess myself. i figure this is a life long process.

theres still that one issue that no one talk about. and im not even sure if i want to. i am having the best time ever and if anyone brings up the fact that im moving it just bums me out. no ones acknowledging it. its alright.

the only thing i know is that life is real short. i dont write much anymore cause im so busy living and having a wicked great time. even if i went sorta insane a few weeks ago and managed to make plenty of mistakes. its all about learning. its all about the experiences. its all about the stomach aches and the butterflies and the way he bites my lip. my motto as of late has been, "fuck it." you will never be as young and as beautiful as you are in this moment. maybe this is me disconnecting my emotions from my actions. maybe this is me guarding myself. maybe this is me growing up. im pretty sure i will honestly never know. and i am alright with that. for the first time ever.

i spent so many years wishing for the future, being upset that my life wasnt how i wanted it to be, that i missed out on way too much. i still do it, just not as much as i used to. im wicked excited for the now. im wicked excited for life. i am not wicked excited at the prospect of awaking in five hours for a DENTIST APPOINTMENT. :(

i just wanna keep this smile on my face forever. no matter who or what has caused it.
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